The Fartzits Love Big Willy B!

I have just found out another story which will forever cement in popular culture how courageous Wilford Brimley is.

Apparently, on a humid August night 10 pm 30 years ago today,
75 year old Donna Fartzit and her 7 year old granddaughter Lucy Fartzit were at a local Nebraska 24 hour laundromat when they were confronted by a group of angry young goblins. Yes, you read that correctly. Goblins.


                                                               These guys.

Donna and Lucy didn't know what to do. Donna already had a full load in her depends due to a combination of eating at Taco Bell earlier in the evening, and a persistent, on-again, off again case of crohn's disease.

                                                        Donna Fartzit. AKA BAD BITCH.


The goblins were closing in, taunting Donna about her smelly adult diaper, and threatening to nibble on Lucy's fat little elbow folds. Poor Lucy was terrified.

                                            Lucy Fartzit, moments after the incident, still in shock.


Then, out of nowhere, burst in BIG WILLY FUCKING B! Yep! Wilford Brimley rolled in with a mossberg pump shotgun and said "Whattup, Goblin Scum! You shoulda ate your goddamn quaker oats this morning!" (or something like that, i'm paraphrasing here) and preceeded to blow away the goblins one by one in a loud bloodbath that will forever go down in Nebraska history as the Big Willy B laundromat massacre. Blood was everywhere. Goblin brains were splattered all over the washing machines and dryers. Donna's Depends were overflowing. It was smelly, and sweaty, like most things Wilford Brimley is involved in. But it was glorious.

                                          BIG WILLY B, posing with his mossberg.

My vampires need to be MONSTERS, not goddamn prettyboys!

I love vampires.

Let me be more specific, I love REAL vampires. The horrific, monstrous vampires intended to scare the shit out of you, not those sparkly, I-fall-in-love-with-my-food-because-it-appeals-to-teenage-girls vampires that Twilight introduced us all to. Yuck.

I love creepy, pale, bald, pointy-eared nosferatu vamps.

                                                           Like this guy.

                           
                                               or this guy.

So, of course, I'm a huge fan of The Strain, which is now in season 2 on FX.  If you have been living under a rock, and don't know what the show is or is about, just fucking watch it. You will not be disappointed. The vampires in this show are MONSTROUS, as they should be. They ruthlessly murder, suck dry, and turn humans at an alarming rate, and basically start the apocalypse. Yep, no "daylight rings", no "sparkly skin", no emo "I don't wanna be a vampire, cuz it gives me moral dilemmas every time I get hungry" shit. Nope, just good old monster action.

So, in summation, I still don't have much faith left in humanity, but at least TV vamps are improving, cuz, c'mon, who's scared of
                                           THIS guy?

I hate Pop Culture.

Reality Shows. Rappers wearing skinny jeans. "News Programs" that don't actually report anything news-worthy. Being bombarded over and over again with ridiculous amounts of what can only be described as sheer celebrity worship. Yep, this is pop culture. And it is fucking ANNOYING.

You remember when you were in High School, and there was always that certain "group"? That clique that always got it's ass kissed by EVERYone, even teachers? You know what I'm talking about. That handful of students that everybody just thought was SO cool, but if you had even the smallest amount of common sense, and a mind that was capable of thinking critically and analyzing your surroundings, you could quickly see that most of them were shallow assholes?

That's kind of what the entertainment industry has become. One big high school with a handful of losers getting their asses kissed while more talented people get ignored.

Now, you might say "Chris, aren't you trying to be a part of the entertainment industry yourself? How can you bash something that you yourself are involved in?"

My answer would be yes and no.

Yes, I want to entertain people. But no, I don't give a shit about being viewed as one of the "cool kids". I've got real shit to say, and I feel that since I've developed my talent as a rapper, than that's the outlet I should use. That doesn't mean that I condone everything my fellow rap artists do and say. To be honest, most of it gets on my fuckin' nerves. At least, most of the new shit, anyway.

There was a time when being creative and original was what it took to be noticed as an MC, and if you're style was a copy of someone else's, you were called a "biter" and picked apart by REAL MC's, and then thrown to the wolves.

Not anymore.

Everybody sounds like everybody else these days, and no one calls anyone out for it. Listeners don't pay attention to lyrics, they just bob to beats, and most rap artists don't even TRY to come up with fresh concepts, they just rehash the same shit that's been done over and over and OVER again.

Everybody wants to be everybody's friend, because the music that used to be the most rawest shit EVER in the eighties has become infected with politics and corporate sponsorships. A lot of songs that hit the radio now are soulless 3 and a half minute advertisements for name brand shoes, clothes, liquor, and cars that are far too expensive for anyone in the listening audience to afford. Rappers are brainwashed that if you don't like another rapper's music, it's not because THEIR music sucks, it's because YOU are a "hater". Bullshit.

What caused this decay of my favorite music?

MONEY.

More specifically, money worship. When rappers decided that making money and bragging about it non-stop was more important than developing lyrical skill, the music became doomed.

But there is hope. I don't hate all the new shit. Some new artists are actually pretty dope. Lupe Fiasco's "Lasers" was the shit, and Yelawolf's "Radioactive" is all killer, no filler. And that's just in the industry. Never forget that the underground is where the real talent has always come from, and always will be. So the next time you get sick of hearing the same bullshit on the radio, check out a "no-name" MC online. You might hear some of the rawest, most lyrical shit you've ever heard. Buy their album instead of the one 106th and Park tells you to. They're probably struggling working some shitty job they hate, or hustling their asses off trying to get enough money to go to discmakers. They'll be far more appreciative of your money then some asshole who already sold millions, and gets 50 gs a show regularly. Just sayin'.

Right below is a link to an online store for one of them..



Peace and hair grease. Don't let an alien shit in your cereal while your back is turned. They tend to do that.