The Fartzits Love Big Willy B!

I have just found out another story which will forever cement in popular culture how courageous Wilford Brimley is.

Apparently, on a humid August night 10 pm 30 years ago today,
75 year old Donna Fartzit and her 7 year old granddaughter Lucy Fartzit were at a local Nebraska 24 hour laundromat when they were confronted by a group of angry young goblins. Yes, you read that correctly. Goblins.


                                                               These guys.

Donna and Lucy didn't know what to do. Donna already had a full load in her depends due to a combination of eating at Taco Bell earlier in the evening, and a persistent, on-again, off again case of crohn's disease.

                                                        Donna Fartzit. AKA BAD BITCH.


The goblins were closing in, taunting Donna about her smelly adult diaper, and threatening to nibble on Lucy's fat little elbow folds. Poor Lucy was terrified.

                                            Lucy Fartzit, moments after the incident, still in shock.


Then, out of nowhere, burst in BIG WILLY FUCKING B! Yep! Wilford Brimley rolled in with a mossberg pump shotgun and said "Whattup, Goblin Scum! You shoulda ate your goddamn quaker oats this morning!" (or something like that, i'm paraphrasing here) and preceeded to blow away the goblins one by one in a loud bloodbath that will forever go down in Nebraska history as the Big Willy B laundromat massacre. Blood was everywhere. Goblin brains were splattered all over the washing machines and dryers. Donna's Depends were overflowing. It was smelly, and sweaty, like most things Wilford Brimley is involved in. But it was glorious.

                                          BIG WILLY B, posing with his mossberg.

My vampires need to be MONSTERS, not goddamn prettyboys!

I love vampires.

Let me be more specific, I love REAL vampires. The horrific, monstrous vampires intended to scare the shit out of you, not those sparkly, I-fall-in-love-with-my-food-because-it-appeals-to-teenage-girls vampires that Twilight introduced us all to. Yuck.

I love creepy, pale, bald, pointy-eared nosferatu vamps.

                                                           Like this guy.

                           
                                               or this guy.

So, of course, I'm a huge fan of The Strain, which is now in season 2 on FX.  If you have been living under a rock, and don't know what the show is or is about, just fucking watch it. You will not be disappointed. The vampires in this show are MONSTROUS, as they should be. They ruthlessly murder, suck dry, and turn humans at an alarming rate, and basically start the apocalypse. Yep, no "daylight rings", no "sparkly skin", no emo "I don't wanna be a vampire, cuz it gives me moral dilemmas every time I get hungry" shit. Nope, just good old monster action.

So, in summation, I still don't have much faith left in humanity, but at least TV vamps are improving, cuz, c'mon, who's scared of
                                           THIS guy?

SHARTS, MUSIC, AND EVERYTHING ELSE.

Whattup, everyone! I'm here again, bloggin' and smokin' with Silver Surfer, discussing random subjects like space herpes, and why Galactus is such a DICK.

Below is a transcript of my interview with Silver Surfer, and some other things I felt the need to post up here that no one should go their lives without seeing. Seriously, If you DON'T check out the vids I post up here, not only will you live the rest of your life knowing you SUCK, and are a shitty person, but I will PERSONALLY come to your house and shit on your floor. Alpha Dog style, baby!

Anyway, here's the interview:

CK: Silver Surfer! Man, this fuckin' rules! I've been a fan for a while now, and to get the chance to sit down and talk with you, it's an honor, man!

SS: Yeah whatever, man.. I'm just waiting for this fuckin' HEADACHE to go away. Never drink an entire gallon of 151 out of a stripper's snatch again, I'll tell you that much..

CK: OK..

SS: And Marvel better stop fuckin' around and PAY me for my appearance in that goddamn Fantastic Four sequel too! They know I CARRIED that piece of shit! You think people came back because they just LOVED the first one and couldn't WAIT to watch fuckin' LANCELOT play Reed again? Fuck no! They came to look at ME IN ALL MY SHINY AWESOMENESS, AND STARE AT JESSICA ALBA'S ASS!

CK: Wait, that was really YOU in that? I thought it was Doug Jones playing you..

SS: That's the cover story.. C'MON, fuckin' ABE SAPIEN? ME? Are you HIGH?

CK: Yes... So how did the decision come about to cast you as yourself?

SS: Well, I heard that Marvel was gonna make a second FF movie, and at first, I vomited a little in my mouth because I remembered the last one.. Also, Because I had been drinkin' 151 out of a stripper's snatch on Mars the night before, but that's another story.. So, anyway, I looked into it, and found out they were gonna include ME in the plot, and I was like WTF?! HOLY SHIT!! OVER MY DEAD FUCKIN' BODY ARE THEY GONNA DO SOME CGI SHIT AND MAKE ME LOOK ANYTHING LESS THAN TOTALLY FUCKIN' AWESOME! So, I flew over to Marvel HQ, and threatened to teabag Stan Lee in front of his entire fuckin' office staff if he didn't pull some strings and get me cast as myself! So he called up the director and made it happen, and then I teabagged him anyway. Just 'cuz I thought it'd be funny.

CK: You teabagged Stan Lee?

SS: Yep! You shoulda been there, man! I was all like "Suck my silver balls, Stanley!" And he was all like, "MFMFMMBBGMBB!" It was awesome.

CK: Now, the movie was intended to be biographical in nature, and chronicle your first appearance on earth, which is indeed when you met the REAL FF, right? How accurate was the portrayal of the movie in comparison to the actual events?

SS: Man, you know Hollywood.. They fuckin' change everything around to appeal to this set of assholes, or that set of assholes, or to get this fuckin' rating, or to target that demographic, and by the end of it, it's so far from the truth that it's pretty much just become it's own thing. They definitely toned down a lot of MY activities, They cut my sex scene with Jessica Alba, which, by the way, was TOTALLY based on actual events.

CK: Wait, you banged the invisible woman?

SS: More like "Invisible Nympho"! That chick can't get enough of my perfectly polished pecker! I showed her the REAL "Power Cosmic", lemme tell you!

CK: Um.. What About Mr. Fantastic?

SS: Lemme tell you somethin' about Mr. Fantastic.. That whole marriage to Sue is just PR bullshit. That guy's fruitier than a pack o' Starburst! The only reason he started dating her was to get closer to Johnny!

CK: Wow..

SS: Yep! Anyway, Me and my silver shlong were poundin' Sue on a regular basis until Reed wanted to be a dick about me spillin' some 151 on one of his stupid machines, and told Sue I couldn't come over anymore! That guy's a douche, I'm tellin' ya.

CK: OK, well, enough about FF, what's in your plans for the near future?

SS: Well, to be honest, I'm a little sick of the superhero business.. It's always the same ol' shit. Save a planet, get the girl, get bored with the girl, find a new planet, save it, get the girl, blah blah blah blah.. I need something new, man.. I'm thinkin' about doin' porn for a while.

CK: Porn?

SS: Yeah, man! Why not? I love bangin' chicks, and I can reach a whole new audience! Besides, I already got a bunch of leaked sex tapes on other planets anyway! Why not flood the market here?

CK: I guess.. Well, that's about all we have time for today, man. It's been.. Interesting. Stop by anytime!

SS: Sure.. I need to roll to the liquor store anyway. I'm all out of 151. Peace!


END OF INTERVIEW

OK, folks, that was the SS interview! Now on to the rest of what I got to sling at ya! I now have beats available for purchase that I have uploaded as videos to Youtube.

Here they are:




and




and




Hope you like 'em. Not to mention, I also have some vids for my first two singles off my new Album, Anarchy Muzik! Here's one of them now:



And another one:



Hope you like 'em, and, as always, don't forget to stop by my reverbnation page directly to download these and other songs! The link to that is below..